Big Crazy Dysfunctional Family.

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I’m not a victim.

But lately I feel like I’m the odd one out…

A year ago I was still struggling with myself. I saw my friends starting their transition, hormones and whatnot, and I knew that that could easily influence my decision in my own transition.

Back at the beginning, which takes us back another 10 months, it felt like I had so many options. And, every other week I had a different feeling about each step within the standard kind of transition. So when my friends started hormones I naturally felt like I was a third wheel there, and, on the other hand I had friends telling me to try and get comfortable  with my body and force the trans identity back into the closet.

I was being pulled from all directions. What did I do? I took a step back from everybody. I needed space to figure things out for myself, to know what I wanted and to what extentI wanted it. I came to realize how much calmer I could be without feeling like I needed to fit in. No matter how much this community helped me feel like I belonged somewhere, being different still felt like being the odd one out.

A year ago I felt like I didn’t belong in this community. And today, people are reviving that feeling in me again. This sense of superiority people have is pissing me off. It’s like it’s not enough that even within the LGBT community we have people who don’t accept the transgender identity, now we’re even dividing up the trans  community from inside? Obviously there are two armies now:
pre-hormones and post-hormones. Fuck it. I don’t want to be in either box. And honestly, I’m tired of answering the same old questions: When are you going to start hormones? Why haven’t you started hormones yet? Do you want to start hormones? It’s my own business! Why I haven’t moved a muscle yet in order to start hormones is my business alone!

Whatever reason I have not to jump to hormones is personal, I’ll share it if this mentality of “I know better” and “them and us” disappears. Cause right now, this little community is making me feel like I’m nothing. It’s not about confidence, ego or pride. It’s about people who are in this just as I am waking up and acknowledging that. The transition doesn’t start with a shot, with a pill or with any kind of surgery. It begins when this person starts living full time in the gender they identify as. Seriously, do the little details really

We should be sticking together, helping each other and making each other feel like we’re all, no matter what our differences are, part of this big crazy dysfunctional family.

Can we please do that?


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