Amto, I know!

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It was yet to be one of the worst nights of my life, skyping with my aunt in Canada regarding my uncle’s death; and then suddenly it appeared to me how open minded she is. I don’t know why at that moment I felt as if the coming-out safe button was pushed, so I started hinting stuff. Apparently, it turned out that my aunt knew from her last visit to Lebanon that I was into women. Strangely, she was lenient enough to tell me “amto, I know”, and the moment I heard that, I felt like I could tell her anything. I asked how she felt and thought about it. She was open enough to let me know how terrible she feels about me not being able to come out to my parents or any other member of the family. She sympathized with me, gave me her blessing and opened up her house to me. I felt secure enough to frequently tell her about my every thought regarding my sexuality and personal life. What occurred to me is that she really wasn’t playing nice; she was being completely honest and open. However, when we talked later about it and when I confessed how comfortable I was that she knows now, she didn’t really declare her complete happiness about who I really am. She kept asking if I can change or if I can ever be with a guy so that I’d make my parents happy with marriage and grandchildren. I then thought how could I make them happy by ruining my happiness? If I were happy, they will be disappointed and sad. If they were happy, I’d be left with someone I cannot love and someone I can never look at physically. I mean when it comes to my happiness, who gives a damn? They raised me to become, they raised me to grow, they raised me to maintain success but they never prepared me for being gay. I made of myself this being who can lead a life that is totally independent from what they plan in their heads for me. But then again, is it really their job to plan my life? Inno it’s “my” life; who the hell has the right to plan for me when I’m capable of planning for myself?! Coming out to my aunt was one of the best things I’ve ever done; I’m proud of it and I’m very comfortable for her knowing, Yet, it made me see how much of a disappointment I’m going to be, how much of a disappointment I already am. However, I’m acceptant of being and becoming a disappointment when I don’t disappoint myself. I reached a point where I live for me, and I believe that’s how everyone should be living because when we start thinking of others’ disappointments, especially our parents’, we stop thinking of ourselves. If the above reflects any act of selfishness, then please, allow me to be selfish for my own life and my own destiny. My aunt, the person I truly respect for accepting me, is someone who knows how hard it is to live under the covers for such a long time, to hide who I am and who I love, to make everything seem so natural to my parents when I believe the word “natural” became this stereotypical word homophobes use. Who are we to say what is natural or not? And is the word nature something that God created in the dictionary? Even if it was the case, if God made me like this, then this should be natural to God. Nature is everywhere, and loving someone, whoever he/she is, must be too natural for any limitations or boundaries. When we start limiting ourselves, we stop living, and we therefore become selfless. To be selfish of our own lives should neither be something to be ashamed of nor something that people should point fingers at.

– Contributed by Fluffy

Tags: bareed, coming out, parents, self-empowerment, self-expression