Innocence Slaughtered

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And innocence died…

Being the blunt person I am, I shall say it… I was raped.

My body was raped, some might say, but no. My childhood was raped. Every moment of pure happiness and bliss were raped.

A part of me was killed.

Some might feel piteous. But I beg them to feel proud. For this death
was actually rebirth, an emancipation and creation of new eyes to see
the world in a different light.

It was a labor of experience, and of being…

Back then it was hell, I must admit. I was confused and miserable. I
started failing my classes, and I pushed away all my friends. My
teachers noticed, and one of them even told me once to stay in class
during recess…

“You have any friends, Ribz?”

“Yes I do,” I lied.

“Do you see them often? Outside school?”

“Oh yes, a lot.” I cursed myself for lying some more.

“Are you sure? I don’t see you communicating with any of your
classmates, and during recess, you always seem so alone, so distant…”

“Oh it’s just that I keep on thinking about my studies; I want to excel.”

It was at that time that I started carrying a book in my hands during
every recess, and it was at that time that I discovered I could become an
actor.

Nightmares started after the night where all innocence died. I started
crying in my sleep and praying to a god that I knew did not exist.
Every tear screamed of my weakness and reminded me of my shame.

Life became totally gloom and hate manifested.

I hated that fucking rapist and wished his death. I hated the world
and its injustice. I hated everything, including my father who called
me weak. I hated myself for being a disappointment, for making him
wish me be something I was not: a strong man. A man who watches
football and spits as he walks. Who loves girls and wants to fuck
them. I simply became a hateful person. An angry person.

But I loved my mother still. I could never hate her. Her smile drew a
world I most wanted to belong to. My mother became my cradle, my every
night lullaby.

It was a night where the vision of my rape came to me. A night where that
fucker’s face haunted my sleep. The way he shoved me, laid over me,
undressed me, and fucked me. I felt him breathing over my neck, cursing
me, insulting me, calling me a fag as his cock penetrated my ass,
burning… killing… fucking slaughtering every child that I was.

I cried, and I woke to my mother’s voice. I was screaming and tears
drowned my sleep. She kissed my forehead, and wiped my sweat and
tears. She told me it was all right. She told me she was there, and my
heart was warmed. I had shelter. I had love.

I believed her. I slept in her bed, and I cried myself to sleep in her
arms. It was bliss. No, it was heaven. Her smell, her heaving chest,
her every kiss that she drew over my face. Sweet darkness took over, and it
was a dreamless sleep that I had.

I wish I did dream…

I slept…

My senses awoke.

“Habibi, I miss you too… Bta3ref, three kids and all… Ma ba3ref if I
can… Tuesday?… Okay habibi, I will see you then…”

Heartbeats… air… mother… 5:00 am… suffocating… love… father?… cannot
be… my mother is NOT cheating…

I sleep. Sweet dreams Ribz, tomorrow your innocence shall be
slaughtered. I sing myself a lullaby and fall to sleep, new tears
drowning the pillow…

– Contributed by theRibz

Tags: Gay, rape, sex