My Gift to You

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“The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men – from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

Having crossed all obstacles towards my coming out, having established my inner peace after long years of conflicts, I am now stuck at a stage where I am not being able to come out to the dearest person to me in this life, my mother. When it comes to her situation, I am also an activist, and I am protecting her from a tough situation that she has to face both on a personal and social level.

This human being who gave me everything generously, who saw potential in me that no one else would see. Since as far as I can remember, whenever I looked around me I found her, my earliest feelings of security, love, joy, appreciation all came from her.

Today, the roles are reversed, I even sometimes feel as if she is my daughter. We are best friends. There is this bond between us that she always talks about in admiration, and even though she tries to hide it in the presence of my siblings, she always says: “he reads my mind.”

I tried on several occasions to let her read my mind, by discussing love from a human perspective, love that transcends physical appearances and beauty, but eventually I realized that she is not that accepting of variations and alternative life styles.

I’ve organized my coming out to her in my head a million times. I know that she will not say anything or maybe she will say “I love you no matter what.” But then I know that the whole thing will be too much and she will collapse.

I would never hurt the one who planted in me the seeds of all what I am today. I am just being to her the way she was to me when no one else would listen. I am being patient and appreciative of her situation.

And even though I am postponing my life because of her, I know she would have done the same. She already has.

My gift to you, Mom, this year is not those fancy sunglasses that I know that you always wanted. My true gift is my personal sacrifice, postponing my own happiness and listening to your unspoken words, until you become ready.

My mother still needs some time to grow stronger and I am willing to give her all the time she needs because “all that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel Mother.”

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

Peter Hayat

Tags: coming out, letter, Mother's day, sacrifice