I Decided to Write

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I am overwhelmed so I decided to write. I decided to write because I feel lucky,  because I am surrounded by exceptional folks, because regardless of how much time goes by without seeing some of my friends, there is always that 5 minutes on the balcony that makes it all make sense. I decided to write because it’s been almost 5 years, and a big part of me is who she is because of everyone I met over the past years.

I decided to write this as I remember the child I was: The kid who, at 6 years of age, heard the boys in the neighborhood hit on girls with words like ashta, w dafa, w shou hal jamel, and who, a few days later, imitated them by hitting on her mom’s best friend. The 10-year-old who saw her cousin peeing standing up and “target practiced” that whole year. The confused 11-year-old who walked crouching her shoulders to hide her growing breasts because she could still kick everyone’s ass in the basketball court. The 14-year-old who was glued to the television trying to understand what was so special about Monica Vitti that kept her up all night.

I am writing this as I remember the confused 16-year-old who had a wet dream and woke up in a panic, who a few days later tried to make out with every single boy at her school’s party so she could prove to herself that there was no way she liked women.

I am writing this with my inner 18-year-old in mind, who packed socks and imitated Humphrey Bogart and waited to find Lauren Bacall on a corner so she could ask her, with a husky voice, if she knew how to whistle.

But mostly, I am writing this remembering the twentysomething in me and the beautiful memories I don’t want to forget. To the “wa7ad hommos, wa7ad fries w sandwich taouk” my brother ate through and through. To trips to the south and broken tires. To depression and over-drinking and laughing about it afterwards. To phones forgotten in the car. To awkward first meetings and solid friendships. To nights when we had 2 hours of sleep because we forgot time, planning “revolutions”. To getting stuck on the borders. To “the wind beneath my wings”. To cheese and wine and lovers and girlfriends. To all those who tried to come in between.

It’s been life-changing and wonderful. It’s been home. I look forward to the years ahead.

- Contributed by Mush

Tags: family, friendship, growing up, memories, self-discovery