Inside Out!
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Why does my mind always tell me different to what my heart feels deep inside?Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like nothing could possibly go your way?
You look outside and feel that there is no way the world is still spinning the way it used to be when you were happy once. You try so hard to get past the emptiness that you feel within your soul because you know that nothing is going to be the same ever again.
Knowing that no matter what you do, the one special person that you’d give away your world for doesn’t feel even a fraction of the emotions that seep from you. You wish that there was a way to tell her, and not fear losing your friendship. You candy coat the situation and give yourself excuses only to give yourself a little more hope to keep you going, but deep down inside you know that it’s a dead end.
You’re lost, scared, and alone. You can’t take it anymore. She makes you feel like you mean so much to her but you feel that it’s impossible. She holds such a vulnerable thing captive: your heart. She’s so close to breaking it but so close to setting you free and yet you are risking it all.
It hurts too to be so torn between so many emotions. I wish it could all just stop. I know that you’re happy, and you’re still dating her. I want you to know that, when you’re happy, I’m happy, because I would do anything for you, because you mean so much to me. You made me laugh when no one else could make me smile!
I still remember the day you met her, you told me she reminds you of me which is why you liked her. Two weeks later you were telling me about your date and how well it went. I saw the spark in your eyes when you talked about her. It was the same spark I had whenever I talked about you. I never said a word. I kept smiling but deep down inside I was shattered. I’ve never been so broken-hearted in my entire life!
I only want to know if you haven’t met her, would you have given us a chance? Would you have been able to love me? Hold my hand? Be there for me? Tell me everything is going to be okay? Hold me close when things get tough?
Tell me, so that I can know if it’s worth still hoping that one day, we could at least be friends, because we clearly are not, and it’s clear that you totally rejected me. I’ve known you for 4 years but my love for you was so strong, and I was never in love with someone else as much as I was with you.
You want me to tell you the honest truth? Well, here it is…
I dream about you almost every night, and I wake up crying because it feels so strong, and so real. I spend endless afternoons thinking about you….
When I first met you, I thought you would be different. I’d been rejected before because of my self image, and for once in my life, I thought it was personality that counted for you, and not image, but apparently not. For a few minutes you made me feel as though I actually meant something to someone.
I made a choice to finally let go, because I can’t stand the pain anymore. I made that choice three years and two month ago and up until today I’m still hooked on you. I’m holding on to something that used to be bring me happiness and now it’s nothing but pain and sorrow.
Today was just one of those days where everything I did reminded me of you and every song I heard somehow related to you. I hate days like these, because they remind me of the one thing I don’t have. It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go but it’s even more painful to ask someone to stay if they never want anything do with you. And, worse, I hate the way I could never hate you for it.
You are my first love, undeniably, and it scares me to think that I might not be able to love anyone anymore. And what scares me even more is that every girl I am going to be with for the rest of my life, I will be comparing to you. And that’s not fair!
Silent Chaos
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