Bring It On!!!

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A few days ago, my dad sat with my brother and I and let out all the homophobia and sexism that I simply refuse and cannot tolerate. He expected me to accept it and go with the flow, just because he is my father. He put me in a position of privilege when he accepted my sexual orientation but not brother’s, and why? Because my brother sleeps with men; because his manhood is measured by who he sleeps with; because I’m a girl and my sexual orientation doesn’t threaten his manhood, or any man’s manhood for that matter; because women, at the end of the day, do not have a sexuality; because women cannot sleep with other women; women cannot make other women cum; women cannot cum without men, can they?
You know, I want to be a boy. Secretly, I’ve wanted to be a boy since I was 12.

For the past month, I’ve been thinking over and over about my gender and sexuality: What I want my body to look like, who I want to sleep with, if I want to be Abdo, the boy growing up inside of me. I started to ask myself: Is it the body of a boy that I want? Yes, of course, I even want the belly of a man’s body. Do I want people to refer to me as a boy? Yes, of course – When my friends do so, it always puts a smile on my face.

Do I want the privilege of a man? No, thank you, I’ll pass. For the past month, I felt how much I want to be by the side of women fighting for their rights. I realized that these are my rights too, and I want them. After going through the process of figuring out what the gender I want is, I realized how happy I am with the body that I got and with that female stamp on my head I got along with it. Abdo is done with his journey of figuring out his perfect body and perfect pronoun. And Abdo chooses to be a woman. I’m a woman.

Talking to my dad made me really see how patriarchy is very much here, and how much we need to start doing something about it I need to do something about it.

I’m a woman by choice, and I love women by choice. I will work on showing everyone how women are here and some of them are queer and they are fed up, and if they aren’t, we need to show them why they should be. I’m a pissed off woman, and I will make sure that my anger is heard by every woman, because it’s time that they get pissed off.

I’m done with all the “isms,” and I will not shut up, not for you my dad, and not for anyone. Shutting up about our rights is what got us to this stage; the fear of being too loud about our sexuality and our bodies is over for me. Bring it on.

To my dad,

Your careless attitude towards fatherhood has benefited me as much as it hurt me as a child. But now, my dear dad, I’m a woman, a woman that is ready to take on the patriarchal system that you endorse with your acts everyday, with every act of manhood that you perform. You have always given my siblings and me that freedom of choice, not because you thought it was the right thing to do, but because to you, it was the way you would least likely be held responsible for the acts of your children. You have raised a very strong girl that wants to hit racist, sectarian and sexist people with her shoe because of your racism, sectarianism and sexism. How? Because I simply refuse the reality that you and our society have forced on me.

My gender revolution is over, and my feminist revolution starts now.

abdo al raQissa

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