The Numerologi Of Relationships

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I am not a mathematics fanatic. Math makes me cringe. What makes me cringe further is the thought of relating math to relationships; especialli the numbers one, two and three; four and above make for a merri gathering.

“One is a loneli number”.
Perhaps one does get loneli at certain times, such as at famili gatherings where you could die of auditori poisoning with the question “tab leh mafi 7ada?”,  reverberating from one end of the room packed with extended famili members to the other. Or when you see a couple walking together hand in hand, or embracing each other in a café. The emotion shifts from loneliness to anger when you perceive the couple as “ugli” and you get mad at yourself for being loneli while those two monstrosities managed to find each other and your charming looks are withering away, unnoticed.

“Three is a crowd”.
Three is not a crowd. Three is the equivalent of a three-dimensional love triangle with barbed wire for decoration while serpents lying at the base await to slither up around your waist and neck before they pull you down to feed the masses. As you’re going down into the darkness, you realize that you, are the weakest link.
In another sense, it is similar to being on a “love-boat” that fits onli two people, in the middle of unfamiliar waters. You struggle to stay on it but your good misfortune will push you out and drown you to the bottom. Occasionalli you realize that you’re better off swimming with the fishes rather than be asphyxiated by lesbian drama.

But there is one concept that makes me green with nausea; the “we are one” concept.

Love is beautiful. It brings two strangers together.

*fade in Barry Manilow’s Can’t Smile Without you*

Love brightens the day… Some people make love sickening! I am all for people falling in love, dating, fighting and reconciling. I’m a relationship whore. Public displays of affection and cuddling draw a smile on my face but dear God what’s with the cooing and the babbling? If you refer to each other as “babi” must you speak the language too? Does it come with a passport? A right to vote? How about “Coo & Boo” matching t-shirts?


“ Apipiii!”

“Pooshi enta!”


Note: Following studies of the nauseating lovi dovi behavior, it could be concluded that exposure to such couples could become an attributed remedi for loneli hearts in the first categori.

By nature, we are conceived as individuals on Earth. By nurture, we are brought up to believe we will meet a person who will complete us. As if we operate as dysfunctional beings until we meet our “second half”. Is this what we aspire to? If so, shouldn’t we come with a plug extension that accommodates our partner’s? Avatar tail, anione?

Maintaining one’s individualiti in a relationship is an essential element to keeping it pleasant, for both partners and for their social circle.

I understand the need to compromise in a relationship and attend to each other’s likes and hobbies but must they become identical? Must we become incapable of socializing without the other plug?

The issue becomes sensitive when your friends aren’t appreciative of your partner as much you are, or in other words, they realli hate him/her, and they must put up with their constant presence. In some cases your close friendship starts including the partner and to your surprise, they come to you with their advice on the best way to deal with that rash down south.

Note: The effect of such a breach of confidentialiti leads us to assume that “we are one” couples are in fact two bodies in matter but one idiot in spirit.

What’s most destructive about the “we couple” factor is the result when such a partnership is dissolved. The life you’ve built with and around a person comes to an end. And you’ll be left to pick up the pieces. Pieces of them, of yourself, and of whatever illusion you had been living.

The numbers we complicate our lives with are insignificant, whether it’s a loneli one or a self-comforting two. We are what we choose to make of ourselves regardless of our entourage.

Disclaimer: The author chooses to replace the “y” at the end of words with an “i” due to personal taste. It is not a typo. In case you find a “y” at the end of a word, it would be a typo indeed. Please report it to the team. Gracias!

Phoenix is a self-centered and sarcastic soul incarnated, perhaps by accident, in the bodi of a woman. As a writer with a temper, she replaces her "y's with an annoying “i” for aesthetical purposes and lives to crack a joke, at the expense of others. Her paranoid nature makes her sensitive to plants, animals and people. Ironicalli, after making fun of the Meem lesbians for years, she found a warm home there and is now renowned as its veri own emotional pest. She enjoys reading the paper with a hot cup of black tea while nude, more often than not.

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