Ponytales Don’t Last Forever

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I was putting lipstick on, in front of the mirror, wearing my mother’s skirt when she walked in on me in my bedroom. She laughed when she saw my face smudged with red before she wiped it and applied it properly.

I used to love trying her clothes on and wearing her stilettos, even applying her make-up. I admired her so much I tried to look like her as much as I could. When she was out, I would tend to our guests and she would come home to find her four year old daughter playing host. At the same time, I was very attached to my dad. He would skip work, and I school, and we would spend the day together.

When I turned seven I started noticing that I was different from the other girls. I didn’t fancy wearing skirts as much anymore . When my mum used to take me shopping, I would opt to buy clothes from the boys’ section, which she didn’t allow. So to compromise I would choose clothes from the girls’ section that were the least girly. I didn’t want to look like neither a boy or a girl. I would grow my hair but keep it tied in a ponytail and never let it down. I used to enjoy looking androgynous. Hearing people wonder about my sex was my greatest pleasure.

This is when I started to notice I was becoming attracted to girls. I used to try to impress them by beating up older boys at school and it would work like a charm. But it was the same period when the bullying started. Whether at school, or in my neighborhood, it became obvious to people that I was different. What kind of a girl plays in the street and runs with boys as they do together?

- “You will surely marry a girl when you grow up!”

I guess that kind of statement was the closest to being labeled a “lesbian” by my entourage at the time.

As I was growing up, my parents banned me from playing soccer and video games at the local network place. When I demanded to know why my brother was still allowed to play, they banned him as well.  I assume that was easier than having to figure out a proper answer as to why it was wrong for a girl to be one of the guys. I remember looking at salesmen in the streets and wondering if they would ever carry a penis among their items and how I’d love to buy one.

That’s the period when I saw change within myself. I became stubborn and very aggressive. Facing these obstacles helped shape my personality into what it mostly is right now.

I was comfortable with the way I looked and acted. I thought that if I were to change anything, I would be betraying myself. But when my family moved to a different country, I was living in a new environment where nobody knew me, and I felt I could start my life anew. I changed my whole style. I became the typical feminine teenage girl and it made me happy to think that my parents will love me now because of the way I looked, and I enjoyed the attention it brought me. But deep inside it still didn’t feel right. I had lost the previous freedom I possessed within my body.

Today, I don’t identify as neither a man, nor a woman. I am queer in my gender identity as well as in my sexual orientation. I could show up in a totally different style every day. I just go with the way I feel. Being in Meem has certainly given me a push to feel comfortable with myself. Having the support of such close friends has allowed me to be confident in being who I am regardless of how society perceives me. I finally cut my hair. It goes perfectly with my pink shirt and Converse shoes.

- Cadbury Crepe, interviewed by Phoenix

Tags: androgyny, family, gender, growing up, identity, International Transgender Day, lesbian, meem, transgender, transgender da