Just because I’m seen as a girl and I like girls, doesn’t mean I’m a lesbian

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When I was a child I used to do what made me feel good and comfortable, from playing games I enjoyed to behaving in the way I liked. I never put a label to myself or to what I was doing, but I loved it when people used to tell my parents that they had a cute little boy. For instance, I used to always wear matching shorts and shirts with my dad and a lot of people used to see me as his son, I used to like that and I would get angry if they were corrected.

When I started liking girls, I refused to call myself a “lesbian”. I used to say I like girls, that’s all. And for me, that was not different from any other guy being attracted to a girl. That’s because I didn’t see myself as a girl, I didn’t know what to call myself, even though everyone addressed me as a female. All I knew was that I liked girls.

In my teenage years, I had fantasies and dreams, you know, simple things a guy thinks of when he imagines the future, like wearing a tux and getting married to a girl and making a family. Whenever I used to dream of myself, I would be in the body of a boy.

But for a long time, those feelings were ignored. I didn’t give them much thought. And yet, my behavior didn’t change. I was still behaving in the same way because that’s the only way I could be. I was a closed person. So I didn’t really think about it until my late teen years when I started to actually dig into this subject.

Today, I identify as a guy, a transguy. I took on the label over a year ago, even though the feeling has always been there. I decided it was time for me to be more open about myself, to let the people see me like I see myself.

I came out to my mom when we were talking about homosexuals and she didn’t know the difference between homosexuals and transsexuals; she thought all feminine guys are trans. I was, of course, defending them, and my mom couldn’t understand why. One thing led to another and I came out to her. I had already told her that I was attracted to girls, which helped her understand the whole picture better. But she didn’t want me to take on a label. She didn’t want me to do drastic changes that can’t be reversed. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t keep my gender identity to myself and let people believe whatever they want about me. The first thing she told me was: “Aslan, you’ve always acted like a boy.” The rest of the family is not blind, of course, but they haven’t heard me say the words.

In society, it’s easy for me to live as a transgender, because it’s about how people see you and they treat you as such. I’m seen as a guy, so I’m treated as a guy. Compared to society, life in the community is harder. In the community, there are stereotypes and ideas people have. Sometimes they don’t separate sexual orientation from gender identity. Some people cannot understand how gender identity is not connected to sexual orientation and one’s acceptance or rejection of it. In the community, there is this idea that a transgender person is simply a homosexual who doesn’t accept him/herself, so he/she chooses to “change” his/her gender to make things easier. Some people think that transgender persons are detrimental to the gay rights cause. Even though there’s more awareness in the community, there’s no tolerance or acceptance.

But going back to life in society as a whole, it disgusts me how this is a man’s world. See, I use public transportation to commute from and to university. There’s one thing drivers always seem to be interested in talking about: young girls and the status of their virginity. They keep asking if the majority is virgin or not, about the age when they lose their virginity, etc. It disgusts me that the men here only have a taste for this kind of subject. This kind of conversation wouldn’t happen if a woman got into a cab/bus, or if an old man did.

- Papz, interviewed by Joelle

Tags: acceptance, coming out, discrimination, gay rights, gender, gender identity, International Transgender Day, lesbian, self-discovery, sexual orientation, tolerance, transgender