To Tell Or Not To Tell?
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Bareed Mista3jil told the stories of our lives in 41 segments, and now “Bareed 3a Mahlo” in Bekhsoos speaks of the untold stories. I was asked by our lovely editor last week to write my story for this issue. And since then, I’ve been trying to decide on which story to tell you. A story I can share on the internet, where nothing is private. A story that will not leave me feeling exposed.
Do I tell you about my heart break? My first official heart break that turned me into a whole new person to the extent that people could tell that I finally had my first lesbian encounter? Shall I talk about the issue that most of us have already suffered from or will eventually? A broken heart is not something easy to deal with. It’s there in your face. And if you don’t deal with it, it will scream at you day and night “I’M HERE, FIX ME!”. It will even haunt your dreams. I’m not going to go through the stages because I’m sure you know them or will go through them eventually, but I will tell you one thing I discovered from what I have noticed, it doesn’t get easy. And the next one will be as painful and as beautiful.
Do I tell how I came out to my mom and she was ok with it? I still can’t believe that she is. She was supposed to tell me I’m possessed by the devil and take me to a clergyman to cure me.
Do I tell how since I got into Meem I gained awesome friends and met inspiring people, and how I lost others because in time I discovered we were different? Do I tell how Meem changed the life of so many people, and how people changed Meem? Do you really want me to talk about relations with people? Trust me, you don’t.
Do I tell you about my gay brother, who is 17 and out there living his gay life, and how much that freaks me out? And how scared I am every time I see him texting or chatting with someone? And how I would be so worried, asking questions like: who is he talking to? Is he a good guy? Is he his age? Will he make him use drugs? Will he make him drink? Will he break his heart?
Do I start ranting about my father and my relationship with him and how it changed from obvious daddy issues, to calling each other every day at least once?
What do I tell you? How much do I want you to know about my life? Honestly I don’t know.
What I do want to share and want everyone to hear, well read, is that I’m a Meem. When I came to this community, group or whatever it is I was young but now, I grew up and I’m no longer little. And it doesn’t feel that good. It’s not a nice feeling. It’s too much responsibility, too much pressure to handle, and I must study every little thing I want to do and see how it will affect me for the rest of my life. When I came into Meem I was the person that was asking for the support to understand my sexuality, to know how to deal with the homophobic parents, friends and colleges. But I like to believe I can do all of that on my own. My dear Meems who I shared two years and 8 month with, I grew up with all of you. I wasn’t the best Meem, I was mean to some of you and I was unfair and I was bitchy. And I also danced with you and sang with you and ate with you and shared with you my past and I will my future. And Meem keeps growing with people and people keep growing with Meem.
- Contributed by Z.
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