Who you gonna call? Groom Busters!

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According to the web definition, “groom” means:

1. A person employed to take care of horses or a stable – (mmm, I wonder)
2. A bridegroom – (horses and brides?)
3. One of several officers in an English royal household – (bla, bla…)
4. Archaic – (is that even a word?)

a. A man – (well at least it’s not a broom)
b. A male servant – (yeah right)

According to us lesbians, grooms are annoying creatures that come into our lives. They remind our parents that we are still “unmarried”; they always make our mothers jealous from the neighbors’ daughter since she got herself a nice groom and we didn’t yet. Sometimes, grooms come for a vicious visit to ask for our hand in marriage. But don’t take any of it personally, it’s just a saying, no one wants to take away your hand and keep you from doing whatever you usually do with it, as a lesbian… ehem.

But on the other hand, grooms are just people, perhaps the brothers of a nice girl and the sons of a nice woman. They can be nice as well, but they are just in the wrong place, asking for the wrong girl.

Since most of us lesbians are running out of ways to kick grooms away and out of lies to refuse meeting them, I thought of helping you by providing you with ways to push them away. All you need is a good plan, a back up plan, and some wit.

Let me start with clichés such as garlic breath, huge chewing gum, messed up hair, extra black make up – just be yourself, you know!  And in case those strategies did not work well, try the following plans:

Plan A: Imaginary Friend

Act very normal, be yourself, and then when you enter the room, introduce him to your best friend “Joe” who is of course imaginary. Throughout the entire conversation, let “Joe” contribute his opinions: “Joe thinks that your shoes are ugly, you should try wearing more Prada.” You may also say things like: “Joe, stop it, you’re not funny.” For a nice ending, pretend you are having a fight with “Joe” about not harming the guy: “No Joe, we are not killing this one, I don’t have boyfriends anymore!”

PS: my imaginary friend is called Joe, but feel free to use any other name.

Nevertheless, some grooms may have their own imaginary friends; this is where Plan B kicks in:

Plan B: History

Talk about your own history. Of course, it can be true or made up.  You can always start by throwing in “they are watching us” and if he asks “who?” then answer with “if you cannot see them, it doesn’t mean they do not exist.” Remember to set your alarm beforehand, and when it rings, announce that it is time for your meds. Make sure to “take your meds” (menthol candy would do) in front of him, and make sure the prescription is obvious. Meanwhile, begin telling him how happy you are after finally leaving the mental asylum, also known as 3asfouriye, and that after you ran away, you were smart enough not to let them find you because they wanted to take you back there. Add a twitch here and there, look behind you, act scared, shush him in the middle of a conversation, and say “listen, I am sure these voices are not only in my head.” Finally ask a friend to call you and when they do, tell him “let’s run, they are coming to get me.”

After that, I can assure you that you will never ever see his face again. And if he does end up running away with you, then he must be really crazy, tell your mummy, because she wouldn’t want to hook you up with a crazy man, right?

Well, I have a lot more ideas, but it is your turn to be creative – go ahead, the floor is yours.

Cheers Lesbos!

Disclaimer: this article is just for fun, in extreme cases do use these ways, but beware the consequences. Enjoy.

Contributed by Crimson

Guest Contributor

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