Little Moments

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Foolish courage came.

I just didn’t care, I entered my bubble and dragged it with me no matter where. I shielded myself and the outside world no longer existed. We were taking risks, we knew we were but a part of us felt invincible. We realised that we had the right to be wherever, whenever, and however we wished. We realised that spaces are claimed. We realised that our body, our existence, every action was an act of resistance if used right. She looked at me and she smiled and I took force in that and walked proud.

Then came those little moments.

She leaned on my shoulder, quite by accident as we took the electric stairs at the mall kind of lost in all the holiday commotion. They stared, a woman’s lips twitched. It lasted barely a few seconds, she woke up from the very short illusion that we were alone, fixed her posture, looked at me nervously, realising that she was not in a space of her own.

Traffic was a killer, we barely moved, she held my hand. It started to rain, the cars started moving, the road stretching ahead, she kissed my fingers, I pulled my hand abruptly. She looked at me with questioning eyes, I tilted my head to show her the police road block ahead.

He stared at us , they stared at us, surrounded by 20 people checking us out. All we were doing was dancing, not dirty dancing, not crazy dancing just moving, one facing the other with drinks in our hands.
Then she became out of focus because all I could see were those men around us staring and glaring and grinning. It felt like we were giving them a show.
So I sat in the corner of the bar realising this place was not nor was it ever going to be a space of mine.

I no longer felt so invincible.

Up until…

Being out, then and there, was my choosing and hers. She held my hand, kissed my cheek and grabbed me teasingly. We were not alone. There were people we didn’t know around us most of the time but more importantly, there were our friends and a couple of our siblings. Sheltering us in so many ways. It felt like someone got your back. It felt that no matter how hostile the surroundings that there was a mass of flesh and love around you fighting with you and making you feel at ease. The stares were not going to stop nor was the badmouthing, but it was suddenly much harder to hear them over the cheerful chuckling and almost impossible to see them behind the looks of camaraderie.

We sat, the show was about to begin. The lights were teasingly fading. Then came these two elderly women, they smiled at us as we held hands in the theatre. Do you know that look, that look that seems to say, I know, I’ve been there, I got your back regardless? It was a glimpse, short lived, that said tons. It made me warm and gave me hope. I squeezed her hand, the lights lit the stage and the show began.

Tags: being out, personal, relationships, sexuality