Abdo’s Contradictions

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Last week the Bekhsoos team met to talk about the writing block that some of us are struggling with. We played a game: the team picked for each person 5 topics that we think this person hasn’t written about yet . I got 5 topics too, same as everyone else, but for some reasons i received a couple of questions that i did not see why people think i havent written about or should write about.

And every time I think of writing for Bekhsoos, I remember that list of questions the team gave me, and one of the weirder questions that come to mind now is, “please talk about your contradictions.” Whenever I remember that question I think, “what contradictions?”

According to my Ekhraj Al Kayd (ID) I’m a 24, female, single, Shiite. According to my self I’m 24; doesn’t really feel like female or a male but likes that she/he can be whatever and whenever; a Muslim Shiite who comes from a very conservative family who are big supporters of Hezbollah; I’m a feminist, who’s not single, who drinks occasionally, dances, wears baggy pants, and sometimes I like to wear my black dress.

Is this really contradictory? Look around you, you will see the girl that comes from a religious Christian Maronite family who is agnostic and wants to pass sometimes as a man to fuck up the perception of “how a woman looks like” and “how a man looks like.” You will see how she was able to go places and achieve things in her life in a country like ours where so much of your success is dependent on how you look  and who you know.

And if you pay closer attention, you will see another woman, who was raised in a poor working class family, with very radical feminist thinking. You will find out that she comes from a family that is supportive of one of our most right-wing political parties in Lebanon and she always talks about her martyred uncle and about how proud she is of her family, of how they survived the wars that we experienced throughout our history.

These are only two examples of the awesome people that managed to grow so much, regardless of their backgrounds and where they come from, and also learn so much from their history and their families. We don’t contradict, we are very much alike.

Now, I might have forgotten a little detail about me that I think gives people a different feeling about how they see me when they look at me. I’m veiled. Somehow this little detail is very little for me, but this puts me in different boxes and turns me into something that doesn’t add up. I’m not blaming you, please don’t get me wrong. But I blame the people that convinced you that if I’m veiled then I should behave a certain way, follow certain people and certain beliefs, not go out drinking.

So, about my contradictions, just unveil me and you will see that I make as much sense you all do

abdo al raQissa

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