Two Dreams

The other night I had two dreams in a row, two sexual dreams that is.  In the first, I saw myself with an old man. He was a salesman of some sorts and he was demonstrating how a certain gadget works. I was fascinated with the object being shown. I think it was a finger-like thing, probably designed for use as a dildo. Anyway, I was entranced when he started inching closer to me. For some weird reason, I bent down to inspect the gismo he was displaying and then felt his hand on my ass. I didn’t flinch one bit! The thing is, as much as I would have felt repulsed by this in reality, in the dream, I really felt aroused. He kept caressing me  until I felt the pressure of his finger against my vagina. It was then that I felt the stirrings of an orgasm inside me and then woke up with the tingling contractions and aftershock effect. I remember waking up with a pang of guilt over how I felt turned on by what was clearly a case of sexual harassment, and how I submitted to it with no resistance whatsoever! But then again, it was just a dream, wasn’t it?

After the mini guilt trip, I went back to sleep and the next dream started rolling. I saw myself sitting next to my superior at work on a sofa. She was telling me something and we somehow got closer. We started kissing, and then groping, oh it was wanton craving alright! I can’t say I felt love, but there was an emotional swelling coupled with lust. Did I feel sexually aroused? Did I cum? Not really. I don’t know if such a term exists, but I was “emotionally aroused” and was being emotionally satisfied. I craved the physical intimacy and my desire to merge with her was overpowering but it all just seemed to play along an intimate, romantic, emotional line, yet, a non-sexual line.

Leaving all the psychoanalytical symbolism that can be inspected here (Freudian enthusiasts, you can have your field day later), I wanted to find out whether the emotional and sexual can still lie along the same continuum, whether one can precede the other and lead to it. I really thought that this was the case. I know that they can exist independently, but they’re not mutually exclusive, meaning they could still coexist, right? But for some reason, they don’t seem that way in my case. “Sexual” sensations associated with males but otherwise, intimate sentiments, passion and lure, are all reserved for females. I wonder why I feel that my sexual and romantic attractions are categorically separate while I rationally perceive gender as a continuum, a spectrum rather than a classification system. Well, even the distinction between emotional and sexual is something I, rationally, do not fully acknowledge as categorical while my body and subconscious seem to have done a pretty good job at drawing a division dissociating emotional and sexual quite distinctly. I guess that I’ve just discovered a new dichotomy to add to an identity which often seems dissociated.

I don’t want to be reading too much into a couple of dreams, but I still feel that they were significant in that they were trying to tell me something about myself – even though that thing may not have to be categorical and nonnegotiable. Anyway, it could be interesting to experience being simultaneously at two places along the sexual orientation spectrum.