Painted On Her Body

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Painted on her body is this article I’m writing. I’ve been trying to write it for three days. But the truth is, this story has been in the making for four years. The soundtrack for this article is a heartbreaking song that has been on repeat for days.

I was 15 when she smiled at me and asked me “why are you always sitting at home?” And it was the day after that I went out just to see her and make her laugh with my stupid jokes. I wanted to see her, to smell her, to make her smile every day. And I did. I wanted to tell her everything and hear everything she had to say, and I wanted to tell her that I’m a woman who loves other women. And I did and she was fine since I didn’t have feelings for her.

I didn’t have feelings for her. I was simply crazy about her. I was young and discovering something new, and she killed the journey for me. I was young and madly in love with her and her smell, and she didn’t let me enjoy it by trusting what I had shared with her.

8 years later and still I didn’t tell you or confront you. 8 years later and my heart still beats faster at the thought of seeing you. And still I believe that I would have made you happier.

8 years later and I still do, 8 years later and I still listen to this song that breaks my heart and I let it.

It breaks my heart because it makes me think about you, about the first time I met you 4 years ago. 4 years ago you changed my life because you made me laugh. You loved me for who I am and not for how I treated you and cared about you. It was 4 years ago when I listened to Damien Rice “Elephant” and I regretted not being able to make you giggle so hard it could bring tears to your eyes. I wanted to make you mine forever, and you were always there reminding me how it was easier to touch the pillow in your pillowcase than to hold you.

All I know is that you are so nice. All I know is that you challenged everything I believed in, all I know is that you made me want to be better to make you see me, and I wish I was your favorite girl, and I enjoyed every minute of  waiting for you to see me, and to see how I was better than her. Till I found the one who broke me free from you. She broke me free but I never wanted her to be the one, because I knew she will break me like the song, I knew she will give me the chance to think of a better ending for my story and a better way to treat my heart.

15 months later and I’m regretting everything I did, every time I made you laugh, and every time you made me laugh. Every time I wanted to change myself for you. Now as I sit in Younes listening to this song I wish I never met you. Because even though you have changed me, you have also trapped me in a cage of self rejection.

What is painted on her body? Painted on her body are all of their words, all of their smiles, all of what they are and how they made me feel. Painted on her body are their faces. And I’m letting go of her body.

Who is she? she is the one that came from nowhere and meant nothing, but took me somewhere new and somewhere I needed to be, and I had never planned to let you know everything about me nor to tell you everything that makes me happy. 8 years later this is what I have done to myself.

I have sung and dedicated all my favorite songs to them; I have written and dedicated all my poems to them. And now I have nothing more to offer you, they took everything they had from me and they caged me, I caged myself.

Two days ago I started listening to this song. Now it is a song that makes me smile in peace. The heartbreak is gone. Listening to this song and writing this article made me realize that no one broke my heart eight years ago, or even four years ago. It made me realize that life is full of addictive songs and girls that flip your days, your life, your beliefs. You just have to be careful how much they stick on you.

abdo al raQissa

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