What You Always Wanted To Know About Santa But Were Afraid To Ask

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The Bekhsoos team brings you an interview with the Ho-man himself, Santa Clause! Happy Holidays!

What does Christmas mean to you other than wrapping gifts and flying your sleigh over kids’ homes?

Oh ho ho ho ho.. *rubs hands together*

Christmas is all about the jolly time you have with your loved ones and your family…while shopping! Have you been to Spinney’s lately? Did you see the offers they have on alcohol? It’s like I’ve died and gone to the Carribean! Sex On The Beach, Screaming Orgams, and Slippery Nipples… all in a can! So I believe, Christmas time is about getting cosy with your favourite people whether their name ends with “Clause” or not. Do you know what I mean? *wink, wink* And oh, did I mention the smiles on kids’ faces? I should mention that somewhere….

Do you identify as male or  female?

During or off the holiday season?

Umm… both?

Well I don’t really have a choice during the holidays, do I? Everyone has classic expectations out of me. I must wear a red suit that doesn’t compliment my features when red is not even my color…. I have to grow my beard all year long to get the “Santa” look that dates back from the stone age, I mean come on! How are you supposed to see my face when it’s lying under a bundle of facial hair? *Sighhh* Not to mention my dermatology bills….

Yes, but what do you really identify as?

Well… I don’t enjoy squaring myself in a tiny box. Male.. Female… I just go with the flow as I wake up every day and put on the underwear I feel comfortable with… likes panties, or boxer briefs…

Have you ever gone through a gender identity crisis?

Have youuuuu ever gone through a gender identity crisis?

This interview is about you, Santa.

Well to be honest with you there was a point when I felt it was hard for me to conform to one gender role. Why do you think I moved to the North Pole?

How do you deal with the fact that you’re fat?

Well if it isn’t the pot calling the kettle black!!!!

I see myself as horizontally challenged and I take offense in your question due to my condition. I suffer from Couch Potatoism and research hasn’t found a cure for that yet. I am a victim of lack of funding for such acute diseases. Why I never knew Bekhsoos went after sensational news too! Ding dong missy!

Despite all this I still manage to put a smile on my face and get off my sexy ass and satisfy kids’ wishes on the coldest night of the year! Oprah would be so proud. I wonder if I can still manage to get a ticket to her Favourite Things show….

How are things with Mrs. Clause? Some rumors are spreading that she’s into women.

No comment.

Your fans are worried…

No comment!

You were featured on the front page of a newspaper going out of a bar drunk and smoking a jo…

Alright, alright!

Well, Mrs Clause and I have spent a good few centuries together, and we have reached a point where we believe both of us need further space to grow…

How much Oprah do you watch?

That’s besides the point! So it Mrs Clause feels the need to expand her horizons… I will not stand in her way.

So the rumours ARE true?

No comment!

Has she become a full blown lesbian or is she still on the bi-curious side?

No comment!

Did you ever find stumble on a sex toy in the dish washer?

What the….

*beep beep*

Is that your phone?

It’s my blackberry.

You own a blackberry?

My Iphone crashed…

Wow I never knew Santa was into technology…

How did you expect me to handle all the orders coming in??? Every kid’s got one these days. You should download my application.

If Mrs. Santa Clause took on your job, how would things be different?

She won’t! She’s busy with her new “feminist” friends!

Who’s  your favorite reindeer?

Well.. Dasher’s become a professional wrestler. Dancer’s out partying every night. Prancer moved into the gay village. Vixen is hanging out with Mrs Clause and I’m left with Cupid. He’s really not as pleasant as his name suggests. The rest of them immigrated to Canada.

Don’t you think that what’s going on in your factory up there is actually child labor?

The fact  that they’re short doesn’t mean it’s illegal to hire them! You hired Phoenix, didn’t you?

Yes, but she’s a volunteer…

The elves can pick up and leave anytime they want… We hired them fair and square and they come from all over the world.

The Guardian reported that you held their passports hostage…

Prove it!

You hide them in your mattress at your mansion in the North Pole…

I don’t really meddle with the help… next?

Have you ever had a secret santa?

Yes. Cheap bastard!

If you were to wish for a gift, what would you ask for?

I hear Lexus is unleashing a new gold plated sleigh…

What are your expectations for Bekhsoos in the coming year?

Bekhsoos should wish for “Carmen Wal Abraj” if they wanna know of any expectations, really. It’s time for my Scotch.


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