What is Sexuality?

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Does it mean that you have to belong to a certain gender? And like certain people from the opposite sex?  Well would it be wrong if I were a girl and liked girls? Or if I were a guy and liked other guys?

Ever since I was little I felt a certain attraction to girls! Yeah, there you go I said it! I like girls. This is the first time I actually say it without feeling weird or scared anyone would know. It’s funny, my parents are really open-minded, they know that almost all of my friends are gay, and they are okay with it. They are really gay friendly. But I know how my parents would feel if they knew I liked girls. They would think that there would be something wrong with me for sure. I personally think they would make me see a psychiatrist. My dad always tells me: “God created men and women. Why would they want to change that?!” And I would nod and lie. All my life I have felt like that, but I always denied it, and every time I liked a girl I thought there was something wrong with me, that it cannot be true. I mean how could that be right, especially taking into consideration all the things I hear straight people say about homosexuals.

The thoughts ingrained in me due to growing up in a family with a Muslim background have always pushed me to feel guilty when I thought of the matter. I think people who are like me constantly think of how god would judge them, and how maybe god doesn’t love them anymore, all because of their sexuality. In fact it’s wrong, god doesn’t judge you for what you are, god judges you for what you do.

I come from Iraq. I don’t know how people feel about that issue over there, it’s a shame really. I would love to meet LGBTs from my country. It’s already hard for LGBTs in general; I’m sure it’s a hundred times worse for them.

Coming out to myself was the hardest. I had to confront myself and acknowledge that fact. But once you break free and come out of your shell it’s the greatest feeling ever. Before, I used to run away and hide when I saw a lesbian, I was scared, and although in the back of my mind I knew it somehow, I tended to ignore it. I feel very blessed to have finally figured this out and faced it.

It’s difficult trying to hide who I am from my parents, but especially my mom, who I consider to be my best friend; she knows everything about me. I traveled to Lebanon when it was time for me to attend university, so I had to live all alone. It’s great, it gives me more freedom and time to figure out what I want and who I am. My appearance has changed completely. Before I used to dress really girly, now all I wear is my jeans, sneakers and shirts. I even cut my hair really short, not to change my sex though, I love being a woman. It’s great. But I feel more comfortable this way. My mom is a little worried now, and I can sense it even though she might not show it.

I think about coming out to my mom every minute of the day. I even asked my friends for their opinions, but they all told me not to. All the people I know who came out to their families got either denied or kicked out of their homes. My greatest fear of all is that I won’t be able to go back and continue what’s left of my education in Lebanon, where I can be absolutely free. I have to say it’s great in Lebanon. LGBTs have more freedom there than in all Arab countries.

I hope someday I can help other confused young people and lead them into finding happiness. It doesn’t matter how people feel about you. You are the one that matters and your happiness is what really counts. So don’t be afraid to be true to yourself.

Guest Contributor

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