The Woman I Would Like To Become

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Every morning I wake up in my bed with a sore feeling in my throat, I let my hand slide over my body and say to myself: “My God, another day of suffering in this body that doesn’t belong to me.” I find my way to the bathroom, look in the mirror, but don’t recognize myself. I wash my face while looking deeply into the eyes of that stranger watching me, imitating every move I make. The stranger who is far from being me… I observe my hands while having my breakfast. I wish my nails were longer. Every time I clip them I am in tears… I wear my jeans and my polo t-shirt although I am constantly dreaming of putting on a dress that would bring out my curves, scream out my femininity.

I leave the house. While walking in the streets; I imagine myself with long hair, high heels, and make up like every modern woman going to work. I touch my head; I can’t feel the hair I imagine between my fingers. I lower my head, close my eyes, and I cross the street with the hope of being smashed by a car… to believe that death runs away from me…

I arrive to the office and sit behind my desk. I struggle to hold back my tears and try to work. I look at my female colleagues lamenting their womanhood and I tell them with a look “How lucky you are! You don’t realize the happiness you are surrounded with. If only you knew!!”

I go back home at night and on the street I look at the people minding their own business and I feel like shouting to them “Can you feel the fire consuming me, this pain that never leaves me? Do you think you can handle what I am enduring? Would you understand me if I reveal to you my secret that is eating me alive?”

Once I am home, I rush to the computer so I can connect online, so I can forget myself. This virtual world
has become my enchanted garden, my shelter, an escape from the implacable cruel reality of my life. Exhausted, at the end of the night, I disconnect. I lie on my bed and anesthetize myself with sleep and with the ardent prayer of not waking up the next day…

Good night and sweet dreams…

Tags: thoughts, transphobia, transsexual