I’m Not Really Dreaming of a Barbie
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Gay. I am gay; it hits me in the face every now and then. Although I’m a girl, I still prefer calling myself ‘gay’ over ‘lesbian’, it simply sounds more joyful and optimistic than the other, which makes a person sound like more of a whore.
It hits me in the face because it’s meant to be, since it’s been there all throughout my childhood, yet I only realized it when I fell in love with a girl – I’m barely able to make sense of how that happened, or how I even manipulated myself to make the first move! It was an ego that took over me then, moving my consciousness and logic aside saying “zee7i wale, li 7a 2a3malo la masla7tek, you won’t regret it, you’ll even thank me later on!”. It’s ironic that I really do thank it today.
Going out with a girl made sense of it all. It made me feel comfortable in a way I would never be around a guy, and that thought of something being not right faded away. I’ve never enjoying my time as much as I do when with her. I mean I’d rather spend a weekend at her place, knowing that we’d get bored and she’ll end up BBMing her cousins, with me daydreaming by her side, than go to some coffeshop to spend time with my friends.
I’ll go crazy over a woman in a pair of heels, and a sexy dress that highlights her curves, and pushes up her breasts… The way her bright lipstick would shape her lips… – I’m not really dreaming of a Barbie, but my point is: femininity turns me on! I’d read these articles of skirts and ponytails not lasting forever, or what a misery it is living in a dorm full of girls, and I think: what’s the point of being gay if you’re loving a girl with a flat chest, who’s trying to be as much masculine as possible! Just because I’m gay, that doesn’t mean I should get a haircut and shop at the men’s section, throw away my make-up or even grow my facial hair! I’m not meaning that I wouldn’t like my sexuality to be expressed through my apparel, I just don’t want to turn into a man – I’m born a female, and I’m extremely proud to be one! I like to stand out between a bunch of people, however I also like to keep and show my femininity.
I just love being gay!
Why?
Because everything feels right now. I finally got over my depression, and I’m enjoying my rainbow-coloured life! I want the whole world to know I’m gay! Unfortunately, that’s a dream that won’t come true anytime soon.
Contributed by Dana.
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