My Story

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It all started when I was three days old, and there was this hot nurse… no, actually, that’s not it. However, seven years later, I was a bit what they call a “Hasan Sabe.” I don’t know why everyone found pleasure in calling me that; there were enough guys in the family already! I would keep dressing, acting, and observing the smallest details in my brother’s behavior which I found incredibly impressive. One of the biggest dreads that I had to go through was having to wear a skirt. Everyone wanted me to. Sure, everybody was older, so they assumed they knew better. The main idea was for me to try to resemble my older sister, who could be referred to as an icon in girliness (if such a word even exists).  From accessories to make up to skirts, nothing was too much for a girl her age. But I was no where near looking up to her. You can see when the pressure started.

At school, and with all the issues I had to deal with, no matter how bad it would get, there was always this thing that I knew would make my day. Her. The very sight of her could turn me upside down: blond tufts, green eyes, soft voice and looking really cute in her gym outfit, she wore braces which I also found quite adorable. Everything about her, even the flaws, somehow made her look cute. The weird part is that I never really suspected there could be anything different about me. I used to hang out mostly with guys, beat them at sports and tell the funniest jokes – especially around girls. I don’t know if they ever looked at me weird or anything. It was fun kicking some boy butt though. My biggest devastation came when she got transferred to another school. I never knew a thing about her ever since. I did have one question in mind though: how could u feel something entirely different than the world around you and not think anything is wrong?!

A large chapter in my life went by with nothing out of the ordinary. It was a pretty hectic time. I moved to another school, got a job, and stopped thinking about her or those feelings. I was going on dates with guys ktir 3adeh like nothing ever happened, yet it was soooo boring. Talking was fine, but the flirting was pretty lame. I remember once I was on a date with this guy who tried to teach me how to play pool which I already knew how to do. He leaned against my body with his hand on mine and I thought to myself: man, the oldest trick in the book. I felt like I’d burst out laughing.

Then I got to know this band, T.A.T.U., they hit big at the time. I became gradually interested in their songs. It woke a sense inside of me which raised my curiosity about lesbianism. I looked it up and accidentally found a Lebanese website for Helem, which I never imagined I would find. Slowly after that, the real essence of my life started taking shape, and things have been going quite “normally” ever since…

Contributed by Molly

Tags: coming out, identity